Why I Quit Vanlife: The Truth

Siiiiigh. Where to begin?

As you all may know, I bought my van back in March of 2020. Moved out of my apartment in July and was full time van dwelling. A lot of other life things were going that kept me in Atlanta longer than expected and to be honest, I didn’t have a problem with it because my nerves were like “where the hell are you about to travel to alone Casey?” “What are you doing for real?” I did some exploring around Georgia and North Carolina but it wasn’t until November when I finally committed fully to this nomadic lifestyle.

Florida was where I spent most of the winter, with some flight travels mixed in there too. I also drove the van to NJ for some personal reasons. At this point in van life I was feeling it. No rent? I’m free? I have all the things I need with me at all times? (I’m forgettable af sometimes so this was great)

But as months went on, that I-don’t-belong-anywhere-this-is-awesome feeling switched to oh-shit-I-don’t-belong-anywhere-this-is-kind-of-sad. Now I know I know. All my conscious folks might hit me with the “home is wherever you are” quote and honestly for the most part, I’m with you. All one = alone. No separation. BUUT in this human experience, your girl was starting to miss the feeling of a homebase. Chasing the next best view was beginning to get exhausting.

This year has had it’s share of so many emotional ups and downs and personally I need to feel safe to release and to process. It was really hard to do that in the van. Dealing with heartbreak, family drama, internal shadows and so much more I felt like I just couldn’t get settled enough to really process what I needed to. No one tells you how every day you’re basically planning out the next day. Where to park, what area of the city or place you’re in and how close it is to the gas station or laundry mat or whatever else. It looks like we just pull up to these beautiful scenes and relax but really there’s so much more to it. You always feel exposed somehow. Whether you’re deep in nature and the only van sitting there thinking of every scary movie ever or you’re in the Wal-Mart parking lot, there’s always this second level of underlying fear that exists. After a while, I definitely can say I became used to it but that didn’t necessarily make it okay.

Feeling like you have no where to go to just cry, dance, scream, whatever, really sucks. I also, as we know, love juicing and having a routine in the morning/night so not having consistency for a long period of time was mentally adding up. You don’t realize how much you take for granted the feeling of getting in your bed, knowing you have a full bathroom, kitchen, space to just be.

So after my cross country road trip in April, and exploring California for 2 months, my mind started to slowly consider what it would be like to just have my own space. Not having to rely on anyone. Don’t get me wrong, van life taught me how to receive and I am grateful for that lesson, but there’s a certain point where you just want to be able to have your own solitude and not ask for a shower or to do laundry. To be even more honest, my life “plans” were going in a totally different direction at the top of the year as far as where I was going to live and what I wanted to do. That all shifted pretty unexpectedly and dramatically and I was forced to figure something out. If you told me in January that I’d have my own apartment by August I never would have believed you.

So fast forward to present day. There is such a big sense of relief with this decision I made. Yes, it’s a more expensive one and initially all these “shoulds” went off in my head. “Are you going backwards?” “Shouldn’t land be the next step?” Listen, all in due time. I trust that I will own land sooner than later but for right now, my mental health, work ethic, and overall being is soooo much better than it was when I lived in my van. This is not to say van life is over forever! Who even knows honestly. My lease is up in January and I could very well get storage, pack all of this up, and hit the road again. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. This feels like home right now and I’m doing so much better.